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Moi

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December 10th, 2007

It's not worth it

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Moi
Rent: $530
Bills: $400
Groceries: $150
Hours spent cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, caring: 24/7


Love & Affection I receive from Jeremy: None...


Something here doesn't add up does it.

September 11th, 2006

It's odd.

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Moi
Life. This whole song and dance that people just repeat over and over again. The song may change but we just keep on a-going.

I feel so left behind; caught up in the flow of life but I do not move with it. I stand there, slack-jawed and gawking, as those around me find new experiences, new oppertunities, new chances for happiness. For me, life is on autopilot and I sit here, waiting for my next performance. See, I act. It's all I do really. Who amongst us knows the real me?

Do I even know?

I try to be happy. I try to be excited about the things in my life but I'm just not. Nothing has the appeal I'm looking for.

Most of all, I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, there are demands on my time. And I spend time out with people. I have offers. But nothing strikes anything in me. I feel nothing back.

I yearn for a kindred spirit.

August 15th, 2006

Confusion

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Moi
Why the hell does it have to be this hard? I thought it was over. I was somewhat moving on but now that he had to put in his two cents, I can't get him off my mind. Things should just be simpler. I don't want a complicated life. All I ever wanted were things to be nice and simple. Easy. But now I have challenges and things I have to do.
I don't want to start over. I don't want to have to make somebody fall in love with me again. It was hard enough the first time. I hate the prospect of being alone. And even though I'm not technically "alone" (you have your friends, family, etc...) it's just not the same. They can't give me what I want and it's just a bitter truth. I just want someone to love and love me in return.
Being 18, I think love may be too much to ask. No one is ready for that.
I always used to think that life was moving too fast, but now it crawls by me. I just want it to be a few years from now, when those around me are in the same place I am.

August 3rd, 2006

What I want

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Moi
This is what I want:

A decent job that I don't end up hating after a month or two. Something stable.

Someone who sees past my bullshit and can reach me. Let's face it, I'm a pretty unreachable person who's solid. I want someone who can open me up and get rid of all my stupid relationship stuff.

To not be alone...ever.

To get stable and out on my own. I hate being here. Just a roomate!!

My car. I need it, my first step out into freedom.

July 30th, 2006

Hey Hey

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Moi
Yeah, I go way too long without writing something. Anything would be nice but I find my life to be so stagnant. Except for one thing...
Yeah, my ex-boyfriend came back to me. I was so thrilled, at first. We've already ended it. Pretty sad, huh? Well, he was just...exactly the same as he was before: completely annoying. Won't talk, won't share, won't be intimate. Everytime we went out, I found myself thinking, "I was attracted to this!?! Dear..." By the end, I realized that I did think I liked him a lot more than I actually did. When people are so closed off and tempermental, you just plain don't want to be around him. So I told him is he was going to hurt me again, I'd like to know beforehand. And if he was going to do it to me again, he should just leave now. And guess what? HE LEFT!!
The first time we broke up, I was a big pile of sadness. Now, I'm fine. Sure, I think about him, but who wouldn't? One thing you never forget is your first love. And he was...in a way. I am so totally okay though. I'm almost...excited.
Even though this is definately for the best, I hate being alone. I wish for once I could find someone who I was attracted to and who reciprocated my feelings. I need some good...interaction.

June 27th, 2006

Okay, so it is now the end of school. I am officially done for the rest of...however long I want to stay out? Well, whatever. Everyone has such big hopes and ambitions. I feel as though my friends are going places while I stay behind and wait for them to come back. Whether it is education, work, or a combination fo the two, people know what they want. But what is it I want? I honestly have no answer for that question.

What I really want is to become famous, never have to work a day in my life, fall in love, and just be. None of that will ever happen. I have no skill, no talent that sets me apart from the hoards of young people eagerly entering the real world. The only thing I have going for me is the innate ability to be blunt and honest to those around me. I see the world for what it is and tell people what I think. So I'm integritous? I'm sure that will get me places, such as the local burger joint.

I want something more. Something I can latch onto and enjoy. A career...As many people around me know, I'm not money concerned. Despite what society thinks, money does not make the world go around. I can do without the high paying job. The way my mind works, I need something interesting and something I love. Which brings me to, "what do I love?"

What do I love? I've never been forced to answer a question so personal. I don't share things about myself willingly. I love...I don't know. In my streak of honesty, I can't even say my family, my friends, my job, my dog, my lifestyle. How dead am I inside?

With me, you scratch the surface and what do you get? More surface. I'm honest with those I like, but am I honest about them, to myself? No one's been inside. No person has been worthy or willing to break me down and get into what I'm really feeling. Am I happy? Why do I ask rhetorical questions?

Ponder

June 20th, 2006

Holy Moly

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Moi
I thank whatever power controls me, cause there aren't internet police. I would get fined bigtime. "Kristen has not updated her blog in like, ever..." Yeah, well my life isn't exciting enough. No one even really reads my journal anyway. Except maybe Phirdhoz and then she'll respond to me and try to be all dramatic...pffft.


You know, I am such a frickin' hypocrite. I have friends...and those friends have other friends besides me. Well, I don't really like alot of these friends. And I would be very vocal about it. Like, Queen of the Bitches towards them. I never knew how uncomfortable it was for my friends...but I'm me. I don't like someone, I'll tell them, usually often and in public. Can't help it. I know what I want, who I like, and I know what to do to get those things.
Now I'm in a situation where two of my friends are less than thrilled with eachother. I'm not stupid. I can see it, and hear it occasionally. I also have my ways of finding these things out. Why can't we all just get along? Putting me in this situation is extremely frustrating.
Or if they don't want to be around eachother, stop pretending. I never for one second pretended I liked someone for their sake. Why put off the inevitable and make two people miserable in the process?

Gosh...

Ooh, I had diploma's. English = okay, other than the fact that I forgot to title both of my writings. Dammit. And math? Oh, I don't think anyone can grasp just how badly I failed. I didn't just fail, I bombed the test. But I digress...everything will be alright.

May 28th, 2006

Oh I feel coolio...

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Moi
That's right. I went to a...lounge last night. *does a little hangover dance* Maxine invited me to New City and I actually had fun. Prior to the drunkenness I learned she's on my side of the breakup. It was so long ago I don't even care anymore. For example, I learned he dumped me to go be a player. I couldn't even cry when I heard that. Sure I was a little sad and stuff but it was not a big deal. That's right. Officially over it.
Anyway, I was slightly pissed that she invited me out with three couples. Yeah, I was the...umm, carry the four, divide by pi...SEVENTH wheel! I wasn't sure they enjoyed my company but I got hugged at the end of the night. Mmm, likeable.
And there was a lot of alcohol in me. And cause the oilers won there was a party on Whyte so all the cars on Jasper trying to get there were honking. I had superfun.
Better yet, I got invited to an AfterParty for grad. At Rum Jungle. I can't go cause my friends are all underaged and Melissa won't go to a club, but still. Who feels loved this weekend? Moi!
Oh, still basking.

May 22nd, 2006

Poor Self

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Moi
Poor lazy self. No updates: Cause my life has no meaning! Oh shat on self...

Well, I did get a thrill today. It was shortlived and fake. I was on Nexopia and none of my friends are on...I was cruising around the forums and I got a comment! I thought "Wow, a strager is interested in something I've done!" So I goes to check it after my heart has skipped it's beat and...dissappointment! It was the comment I left myself to remind me of a website I liked. I got powned...

Other than that, life's average! I think I want a new job. I love what I do: serving people with food and drink and whatnot, but I hate the people there. I simply can't work in a place where everybody can't pull their own weight. I'm a lower down person but I do as much if not more work than someone higher up than me. I mean, I got a lot of weight and I can pull it, so what does that say about them?

Okay...whew.

May 5th, 2006

It is tiring but i do indeed love my job. I love being around food and serving customers. I think I actually have a skill for carrying trays and being friendly...it makes me tingle. I may be adamantly tired of it, but I love it when I get there. Can I work in a restaurant for a living?
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